"Massive Weight Gain in Sacramento"

"Dan Gets Fat, Clocks in at 191 Pounds"
December 28, 2004
By Khaki McPickles
McPickles News, "Since 1928, McPickles News Brings People Together."

In a startling revelation, Sacramento attorney and sardines Baron Dan Silverboard announced today that he has gained 40 pounds since arriving in California. Silverboard blames constant inbibement of guacamole and Jack Daniels as the source of his new found second layer of meat.

"I thought I'd be healthier when I arrived in California," said Silverboard. However, things have not gone to plan. "I eat out every day with the boys from work, and go to happy hour each evening at 5:00 where I am forced to have the drink....Further, I have developed an appetite for pourage."

Silverboard also announced that his dry cleaning bills are higher than normal due to guacamole and salsa stains, and that he really likes Ethan Hawke's "Gattaca." "The Scene at the end where the two brothers race in the ocean is mesmerizing," said Silverboard.

Silverboard does however have a weight-loss program lined up for January 1, 2005. One evening while reading the NYTimes, Silverboard stumbled upon an article on German scientist Igor Van Uberlockten's "Achtung Mach Schnell" diet. This new diet involves constant exercise, repeated viewings of Von Cookie's 1936 film "Der Anus un Nacht," and daily rides on Six Flags over Fatherland's famed roller coaster, ' The Ethnic Cleanser.'

-McPickles News-