A Story....

"The Dark Lady Conquers"
By Atticus Klansman
Cowdog News

The story of Condi Rice is well-known to most. She grew up in Birmingham, got a masters at Stanford, and became Bush 43's Secretary of State. And now, she is a member of the famed Augusta National Golf Club.

This is not the whole story.

The story begins in May 1834 on a dark and stormy night in the Atlantic Ocean. It was here, on board the SS Bizkit, that Condi's great-great-great grandpappy, Moo-Tanka found himself traveling to America on a slave ship. It was sloppy on the ship. There the story ends.

.....Until August 1834, where Moo-Tanka was acquired at a slave sale in New Orleans by Rosco "Pootie" Johnson. Pootie was known by all in the community to be a "fetishist." And his greatest fetish, as all in the Bayou knew, was sex parties with his slaves. "Don't go to Pootie's," warned the Mo'Fus the slave market auctioner "...he likes man and womenfolk."

Moo-Tanka only spoke his native tongue, and did not understand Mo'Fus. And sure enough, on that hot day in August, Pootie bought him for $600 and a 5-piece.

Fast forward 30 years to the Civil War. It's hot. The rivers of Louisiana run with blood and taco meat. Everyone is sad. Including Moo-Tanka.

Moo-Tanka: Masta gonna' die.
Lady of the House: Sho is, Moo-Tanka.

No one knows what happened next.

....Until March 17, 1932. It's the Jim Crow South. Moo-Tanka, now 98 years old, is on his death bed. His wife is there. Kids are there. Birds chirpin'.

Moo-Tanka: I'm gonna die. Take care of the kids. Take care of the grandkids. Get em' educated.
Lady of the House: Don't leave Moo-Tanka.
Moo-Tanka: Pray for Moo-Tanka.

Moo-Tanka passed away that afternoon. The Lady of the House - aka Lulu Johnson-Tanka, presided over a fine, Christian funeral. Hymns were sung, Lulu's niece Fibby sang the popular song "Ridin'", and Moo-Tanka was laid to rest.

By the Spring of 1964 Lulu had died and most of her children. But Fibby remained. She sat on a stoop in Birmingham, Alabama, watching the cars go by. A new Cutlass, a new Mustang. A new Buick. "Sho is a fine car," remarked Fibby to no one in particular. At that moment, Walter Rice, a strapping man of 32 years of age came walking down the street.

Walter: You lookin' fine today, Fibby.
Fibby: Keep on walking, Walter!
Walter: Today's my day, Fibby.
Fibby: What you mean?!?!?

Everyone knows what happened next. Walter came marchin up the stoop and took Fibby to bed. Fibby loved it. They later got in a hot tub (just a plastic pool on top of a hot frying pan) and fed pot brownies to each other.

Walter: Eat a brownie - you'll feel like fairy dust.
Fibby: I can't see.

9 Months Later young Condi Rice was born.

30 Years Later a man named Hootie Johnson became President and CEO of the famed August National Country Club. Hootie was loved by his membership. Mostly. Up and comer Billy Payne hated Hootie. Hated him. And he was determined to take Hootie down.

And so Billy Payne went to Ancestry.Com and did some research. He learned about Moo-Tanka, and Pootie, and Lulu. He learned about Fibby and Fibby's daughter Condi, the Secretary of State. And he learned, most predictably in the closed circles of Southern aristocracy, that Pootie and Hootie were directly related. IT could only mean one thing.

Hootie received the information on Condi from Billy Payne. He also received an enlarged poster-sized photo of himself poopin' on the 12th Green at Amen Corner. It was enough to take him down. Hootie knew it.

Hootie: Billy - you got me.
Billy: I know, Hootie.
Hootie: I will resign, but you have to do me this favor.
Billy: What, Hootie?
Hootie: Condi is famous, Billy. She's the Secretary of State.
Billy: I don't care, Hootie.
Hootie: But the press cares. And Tiger Woods cares, yo. And I have a photo of you raping Sylvester the ice boy on the Hogan Bridge.
Billy: I see your point, Hootie.
Hootie: Do it, Billy.

2 years later, on the 139th anniversary of Moo-Tanka's purchase by Pootie Johnson, Billy Payne inducted Condi Rice as a member at Augusta National. In attendance was Hootie Johnson.

Hootie: Sho was a fine day - it was the right decision.
Billy: Sho was.
Moo-Tanka: Sho was'

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