"The Battle of Helm's Deep is Over; The Battle For Middle-Earth Has Just Begun"

(Snatchy McPickles News)
Washington, DC
McPickles News, "Since 1982, If It Ain't McPickles News, Run For Your Life"

President Bush sought in his second inaugural speech to define his new term as a fight for freedom in every nation with the "ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world." At home, he urged a divided nation to find the unity it had felt after the Sept. 11 attacks. President Bush also announced his penis was a weapons of mass destruction. "Let it carry forth from this day, that I have found WMD in my pants," Bush proclaimed.

Looking ahead to history's judgment, Bush asked two questions in his speech Thursday from the Capitol steps: "Did our generation advance the cause of freedom? And did our character bring credit to that cause?" Bush answered his own questions, stating "It doesn't matter, so long as we persecute homosexuals, destroy the environment, and invent wars based off false evidence...Smoke Em' Out!"

"Across the generations we have proclaimed the imperative of self-government," he said. "Advancing these ideals is the mission that created our nation." But more is needed now, both to protect America and to advance its ideals, he said. "It is the honorable achievement of our fathers," Bush said. "Now it is the urgent requirement of our nation's security, and the calling of our time." At this point during the speech, Snatchy McPickles News correspondent Snatchy Pickles unleashed a thunderous fart causing the President and Mrs. Cheney to snort in laughter. "Looks like someone yo quiero Taco Bell last night," quipped the President.

Yet seeking to soften an image sometimes seen as aggressive around the world, Bush said America does not want to impose "our own style of government on the unwilling." And while he led the nation into wars in Afghanistan and Iraq during his first term, he said that spreading freedom is not "primarily the task of arms." "Our goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom, and make their own way," he said. "Now, Can I get some Wendy's??"

He used the word "freedom" 27 times.

Saddle Up!